Protecting Your Sanity at Holiday Shindigs

The holidays are generally regarded as a time of cheer, to be around loved ones, and an opportunity to be joyous. But what often doesn’t get discussed are the difficult and uncomfortable questions many people get asked by relatives and friends--some well-meaning, some not--around the holidays. Protecting your sanity during the holiday season can be tricky but is doable with these tips and tricks.

People who are struggling with substance use disorder can find the holidays especially triggering. The return to normal includes holiday parties, which typically involve alcohol and potentially other substances. If you are in early recovery and not accustomed to handling fraught family situations, navigating these holiday parties can be like walking through a landmine. 

What do you do when aunt Susan asks “why aren’t you drinking?” Or when Grandpa practically foists his famous peppermint eggnog into your hands?

For starters, take a deep breath and repeat a positive mantra to yourself. It can be helpful prior to going into a difficult situation such as a holiday party to create a mantra that is at once soothing but also empowering. A mantra can be “I am strong and I am sober” or “I am enough and I got this” or a variety of different statements that make you feel more in control.

After repeating this mantra to yourself, and taking your deep breath, there are a variety of tactics you could take. If you want to be completely honest with the person asking, you could tell them you are in recovery. Usually this elicits positive feedback and if not, that’s okay too. 

If you would rather keep things honest yet vague, you can respond that you A) function better when you are not drinking, B) like the way you feel when you’re not drinking, C) Have bad consequences when you do drink, or D) are not drinking right now for your health. These are likely all true. There are also a host of medications that do not allow people to drink on them such as antibiotics, antidepressants, and others so if people are relentless, that too is a potential answer. 

What about when the topic of discussion is fertility? Suppose you and your partner have been trying for a baby and it just won’t happen. You may have suffered miscarriages or perhaps haven’t conceived yet at all. This is no one’s business but your own and your doctor’s. What do you say when dear would-be grandparents ask when they’re getting a grandchild?

Like substance abuse, take a deep breath and repeat your mantra. You can then be entirely honest and tell them you’re trying but struggling to conceive. You could tell them the nitty gritty details, however, if you don’t want to share, that too is completely acceptable. There are numerous things you can say to respond to that question, A) You’ll be the first to know when we do! Or B) We’re not ready yet, or for both recovery and fertility:

It is entirely your right to decline to answer, stating that is something you don’t feel comfortable discussing, or simply change the subject, putting the focus back onto them. People love talking about themselves and this often solves the problem! Ask about aunt Susan’s new job, her son or daughter’s latest accomplishment, or compliment her cooking. The possibilities are endless. You could also transition to a new conversation, speaking to whomever is on your other side.

If you are feeling dysregulated, it’s okay to excuse yourself from the conversation, situation, and even the room or home. You are not shackled to the particular spot you’re in, even if there are place settings or social expectations. Your emotional, mental, and physical health are more important than any perceived societal pressure or obligations.

When physically leaving the room, it can be beneficial to distract yourself with an activity that will help calm your nervous system. An example of such an activity could be helping to wash dishes or another mindless cleaning task that does not involve much social interaction. It could be stepping outside to take a brisk walk around the block, or playing with the kids for a little while. Children love talking up a storm about their best friends, their favorite TV show and newest toys. 

If you’re in recovery, calling your sponsor or a sober friend can be essential in times of distress. Taking a walk while calling a member of your support system can be a lifesaver. Likewise, calling a friend who is going through something similar or has been through what you’ve been through from a fertility-standpoint works as well.

With these tips for navigating rocky conversations over the holidays, I hope your holiday 2021 season kicks off with a happy and healthy Thanksgiving!